I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
