AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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