You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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