I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
