dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
