so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
