Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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