it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
