this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Can you bring me the toilet please
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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