Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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