my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
