Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
