I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
