dude i'm inner monologue high
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
