I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
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