I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
