I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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