a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
