You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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