The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
