your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
