My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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