Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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