I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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