i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
