Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
