I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
