The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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