I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
