Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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