I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
