Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
