I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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