And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
