what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
