Need sex. Gaining weight.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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