Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
