Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
