cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
