She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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