Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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