my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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