was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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