me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
