this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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