Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
