I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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