I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
