I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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