I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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